In the past couple of weeks, I’ve received emails from dozens of women saying that even if they have a pretty good relationship with their son’s wife or their husband’s mother, they still have unresolved “issues.” This feeling is so even sided, that when women write to me about HER, I have no idea whether they are talking about their mother-in-law or their daughter-in-law.
And both would be mortified if the other one knew they had contacted me.
As a journalist, I interview men and women who are relevant to my topic. I love anecdotes, so much so that when I was in labor I made my husband tell me stories rather than tell me to breathe. In writing self-help books, I believe that hearing someone else’s story allows us to connect. And I always appreciate how forthcoming the interviewees are.
The difference between the subjects in my first two books, which were on single parents and dating, and those in It’s Either Her or Me, is that the former ones are perfectly fine being thanked in the acknowledgements. (I change their identities elsewhere in the books). This time around, very few of the women – moms or daughters-in-law – agreed to be acknowledged.
What’s different is that now I am writing about ongoing relationships. I could comfortably write about the bad dates I had had in Mom, There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe, because I KNEW those relationships were over. But I think differently when I consider writing about the significant others my son has had. Even ones from the past could at some point return in the future. I’m not going to risk saying or doing anything to forever destroy that relationship.
Most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law get this. They can’t openly and uninhibitedly complain about each other and expect peace in the family.
So if you choose to tell us about your daughter-in-law or mother-in-law, I promise I won’t reveal your identity!
