So your mother-in-law interferes in your life with her son. She’s pretty sure you can’t cook as well as she can. Has he lost weight? She’s a little surprised you’re going out drinking with your girlfriends and he’s home caulking the bathroom. I raised such a handyman! She’s absolutely certain that he loves you more than you love him. His father doesn’t put ME on a pedestal.
The problem here is that it isn’t really about what either woman thinks in the early months and years of a relationship, the problem is the timing of these thoughts. The relationship between the two women has a better chance of succeeding if they start out on the same page, at the same time.
Here’s why:
You meet her son and WANT his mom to like you. She wants to like you, too, but needs time to process this new adult son (whom she still loves like a boy). She doesn’t know if she can trust you…yet. She doesn’t know if you are good enough for him…yet. She doesn’t know that you are really trying…yet.
And then when she finally turns a corner and begins to realize you ARE good for her son, the damage is done. You’ve given up trying.
Here’s a tip for mothers-in-law. It may be understandable that you are cautious about trusting and loving this other woman until you are convinced she’s wonderful. But if it takes you months or years to finally accept her and acknowledge that she’s really not so bad, she’s already hurt, angered and discouraged by your earlier rebuffs.
It’s a little like Romeo and Juliet. If only they had communicated before she drank the potion!
Rather than starting out guarded and wary, assume this is a marriage made in heaven. THEN if your daughter-in-law turns out to fulfill your worse fears, you can alter your demeanor.
As years go by, the two women may find a number of reasons that justify their lack of mutual fondness. But poor timing should never be one of them.
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