Ethan at Area Code 908: I Owe You

The other day I was in Cape May, NJ for a long weekend. I got up early and rode my bike to the beach to join a yoga class I’ve taken before. The class was a bit disappointing but the experience was spectacular. The sun was still on its way up, the ocean waves were vibrant, and the sand was only randomly spotted with humans. I left the beach feeling rejuvenated and looking forward to heading home and making breakfast for my family.

I climbed on my bike, took a quick look at my phone to check the time, and rode home.

As soon as I arrived at my back door, I realized my wallet, which contained my brand new iPhone, my driver’s license, several credit cards and a little bit of cash, was missing. I ripped apart my yoga bag, reexamined my bike basket (it’s wire and see-through so that tells you the level of my panic) and nothing.

I spotted my boyfriend Jon on the front porch and asked him to give me a ride to the beach. We climbed in the car and drove the approximate 2 ½ miles to where I had practiced yoga.  So much for any residual serenity.

When we arrived at the spot where I last remembered looking at my phone, and therefore had possession of my wallet, I jumped out of the car and told Jon I would retrace my steps back to the house and would he ask some of the local shopkeepers if anyone had turned anything in.

In my flip-flops I began walking in the street intently looking ahead and from side to side. I figured there were three possible scenarios. Some less than honorable person thought “Bonanza!” and was now enjoying a shopping spree at my expense. Some honorable but rushed person saw it lying in the street and moved it out of harm’s way, say to the curb (where some less than honorable person….) or some really honorable person picked it up and turned it into authorities.

The only good thing about my walking slowly back to the house – despite cursing my earlier circuitous scenic bike route home – was that I began to calm down and consider what needed to be done. First, I would call lifeguard headquarters and then the police department to see if anyone had found it. Then I would go online and check out PA Department of Transportation to report a missing license. Then I would go through my larger wallet and try to figure out what credit cards I had so carelessly thrown into my smaller one. And I would contact those companies.

My call to the lifeguard headquarters turned up empty but my call to the police was successful. Someone named Ethan had found my wallet and had left his cellphone number for me. Ethan’s dad answered the phone. His son – about 14 or 15 – saw the wallet lying in the street right by a parked SUV. Assuming it had fallen out of the car, they left a note on the windshield saying they had found their phone and wallet.

Those people called Ethan and said they had lost their phone and that the missing wallet and its contents belonged to them. But when Ethan’s dad asked them for the name on the license, they obviously didn’t come up with mine. That’s when Ethan said to his dad that maybe someone on a bike had dropped the wallet. Yay Ethan! My hero.

I met the family at a bagel shop less than a block from where I had done yoga. I was grateful but also so unsettled that I never got more than his first name and his dad’s cellphone number. So if you are out there Ethan, let me know, so I can give you a proper thank you.

It occurred to me after I left the bagel shop that if you hadn’t found my wallet, the guy in the SUV probably would have.

20
Jul
2011

The Groom's Mom – In or Out?

Sometimes I think I may regret my career as a relationship expert, particularly as the author of my latest book, It’s Either Her or Me. I counsel mothers of brides and the brides themselves to include the mother of the groom in the wedding planning.

 I’ve been to too many weddings and bridal showers as the guest of the groom’s family to ignore the potential for a lot of hurt feelings.  Even seemingly minor exclusions can create bad thoughts that tend to sit there, simmering indefinitely like a pot with an endless supply of water.

But I also understand why mothers of brides might feel possessive, not wanting to share their daughter with another woman. I also have a daughter. When she gets married aren’t I going to want to spend time alone with her, helping her select the prettiest gown, the most flattering hair style, and the most breathtaking flowers?

I’ve been with her through every important event in her life; leaving her off at her first day of kindergarten, moving her in and out of dorm rooms and apartments, consoling her when she didn’t make a team, rejoicing with her when she got her first real job. No one shared those ups and downs with me so why do I have to share the happy moments ahead?

Relax. That’s rhetorical. Cause I do.

Including the groom’s mom in as much as she would like to be included matters because this is no longer about just me and my daughter. Marriage is the first life event for our daughters that takes them out of the restricted environment of family. It’s meant to be shared with another family. And it’s the first of many future life events (think grandchildren) that are.

I hope that one day when I become the mother of the bride that I will practice what I write. I know it will take effort and compromise and a thick skin. But I also believe it will be the right thing to do.

As you know, I also have a son.

27
Jun
2011

Book Talk at Borders for Father's Day

Looking for something to buy Dad for Father’s Day? I’ll be at the Borders in Bryn Mawr, PA on Saturday, June 18, 2011 from 4:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m.

Come chat with me about Dating for Dads. The Single Father’s Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly.

 If you’re a dad, come learn how to date while maintaining your wonderful, hard-earned relationship with your kids. If you’re a kid (whether 12 or 40) maybe Dad, his new significant other, and you can learn how to make this new development great for everyone.

And if you’re neither, come anyway. I’d love to meet you!

12
Jun
2011

Mom or Wife at HIS Life Events

 Here I am all know-it-all and confident teaching a workshop on nonfiction writing at the Philadelphia Writers’ Conference. I’m there as a teacher, an author, and a relationship expert. By now, I think I’ve heard or been asked everything having to do with moms and daughters-in-law.  Then one of the attendees stumps me.

A psychologist who writes about military spouses, she asked me as the author of It’s Either Her or Me to weigh in on the way many military wives feel when their husbands return home from a tour and Mom is waiting with open arms.

I did an unscientific survey of a number of female friends today – all moms and all with sons. Some said of course the mother goes first enveloping the returned, much-missed son she raised.  Others said the wife. She’s his partner for life. She deserves the attention. The mom can wait.

Ooh. Ouch. I see both sides. And I’m in the process of formulating an intelligent response worthy of a RELATIONSHIP EXPERT. But in the meantime, it makes me think of how I handled my son’s graduation from graduate school last weekend. Clearly not the same thing as a son coming home from a dangerous war zone, but I was there with a lot of family and his significant other.

Me, his mom, jumped up to take his picture as they were lining up along Brown’s hilly campus in preparation for their procession. Me, his mom, rushed up to the front to take his picture as he was handed his diploma, defiantly ignoring the security guard who told me to return to my seat.

Me, ordering a special cake from a special bakery so we could surprise him at dinner.  Me, not sleeping, when I saw the size of the moving van he was using to empty his apartment in Providence and move to Washington, D.C.  And would be driving by himself.

How could I tell this writer in my workshop that the mom needs to make room for the significant other when I recalled my own actions last weekend?  And then I thought about it.

I wasn’t alone filming the procession. I was standing with his girlfriend. (And my mother, for that fact, since no one, but no one, is going to tell my 80-something mom to sit down). I wasn’t alone moving him out of his apartment. I was with his girlfriend (and some stronger folks than us, fortunately). I wasn’t alone picking up the cake. I was with his girlfriend who discovered the bakery and excitedly told me about it.

Throughout the graduation weekend, I was with my son. And I was with his girlfriend. It was perfect.

Hmmm. I believe I might know how to handle the situation involving military wives and mothers. Look for the answer in a future blog. And, as always, let me know what you think.

07
Jun
2011

To Ski or Not to Ski

As ski season winds down, I have a confession to make.

Every year I trudge out to Beaver Creek, Colorado with my kids and sometimes a spattering of relatives and significant others, impressing all my friends back east. They assume that I’m careening through the Rockies with a finesse and confidence like any other robust, tanned, fearless athlete. They imagine my day ending with well-earned drinks while still wearing my ski outfit and sitting at an outdoor bar.

They got that part right.

I DID start out doing downhill 20 years ago when I first brought my kids out west to ski. I was a novice then. Despite lessons (including private lessons which cost enough to cover meals for six for the week), and many billable hours on the slopes, top-notch equipment and really cute ski clothes, I never moved out of the novice category. At least, in my opinion.

“Mom, that’s not true,” my kids would surely say. “You’re good, just a little slow.”

In case you haven’t skied before, “slow” is the kiss of death in downhill skiing. It means the people with whom you’re skiing are impatiently waiting at the bottom of a mountain, which took them 10 minutes to descend, and is now taking you 60 as you traverse from one side to the other in a singsong motion (picture a conductor ever so gently slowing his musicians down for the mellow part of a sonata).

Honestly – and don’t lie Kids – after one run with me I have always offered to let them go off on their own and “Don’t worry about me. I’m happy staying on this run.” A couple protestations, but then they’d happily trail off to the lift that would take them from the greens to the blacks.

Fortunately for me, I have finally found something that allows me to wear all my old ski clothes, and not pop a Xanax before heading out to the slopes: Cross country. There are still hills in cross country, and you can still fall, but much of the pressure is off. No downhill skiers are swishing by you at warped speed, making you feel old and encumbered. In fact, to be quite frank, you need stronger lungs to get through a day cross country skiing than you do downhill.

Beaver Creek boasts the most beautiful and largest Nordic park in the world. It’s 500 acres of pure snowy Rocky Mountain bliss, virtually untouched by humans unless they are on cross country skis or snowshoes. As far as the eye can see there are breathtaking views of the mountains and virgin snow dotted with wildlife prints. You do need to take a significant chair lift to get to the park; its elevation is 10,000 feet so it’s not for the faint of heights. But the views and the conditions are worth it.

And the best part? When you come down off the mountain, you can still meet all your alpine skiing friends for a drink at the outside bar.

Ah. What a great day on the slopes.

29
Mar
2011


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