In the Heat of the Wedding

Our car’s outside temperature had registered 106 on Saturday as we climbed out to go to an outdoor wedding ceremony in Virginia. I’m sure I’ve been hotter in my life; I just can’t remember when. As the wedding guests squirmed in their seats in search of a whiff of a breeze, the bride entered the patio. Ebullient and radiant, her smile infected us all. What heat?

Besides the unseemly temperatures, this was a memorable wedding for another reason. It involved three mothers: the bride’s, the groom’s, and the groom’s stepmother. A recipe for in-law disaster. Yet it wasn’t. And to this I not only credit the bride, who showered all three moms with attention and appreciation, but the groom’s mom as well. (Okay, full disclosure: I’m a friend of the groom’s mom.)

Seriously, a lot could have gone awry. The children’s two mothers were as different as…well, you decide. One is a native New Yorker, the other a Midwesterner. The ceremony included a pastor who wore a robe embroidered with a gold cross and a tallis (a Jewish prayer shawl) draped over his shoulders. A unity candle was lit. A glass was broken. A marriage forged.

And during the reception, everyone danced. Naturally, the bride and groom. But the three moms as well. The differences between the families of the bride and the groom were celebrated rather than judged. The inclusion of the groom’s step mom was welcomed, rather than merely tolerated.

When we all raised a glass to toast the young couple (great toasts, by the way, by the bride’s sister and groom’s brother!) I actually was thinking at the time: Way to go, moms. You’ve set an example for the young couple as well as for all of us.

It’s not about us moms, it’s about our kids.

Filed under: Daughters-in-Law,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Single Mothers,Sisters,Sisters-in-Law,Sons,Step Parents
by Ellie Fisher
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27
Jul
2010

Four on the Fourth!

I spent July Fourth weekend down the shore (sorry, can’t shake my Philly roots) with my two kids and their significant others. It could have been a disaster. After all, I know, I wrote the book. But it was wonderful.

If you’re the mom, it’s easy to take for granted that your son likes his sister’s boyfriend, and your daughter likes her brother’s girlfriend. But when this happens, take a deep breath, look heavenward, and thank your lucky stars.

When your sons and daughters don’t like their sibling’s girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband your family will never be quite the same. Holidays will feel a little more stressful, birthday dinners a little emptier, splitting family assets a little nastier. And frankly, based on the interviews I did for the book, and from the women I meet at book events, the sibling-in-law clash can be much more challenging than the mother/daughter-in-law issue. In fact, while many women have told me they like their mother-in-law or their daughter-in-law, when I throw the sister-in-law into the batter, I get a fair share of, “Oh, her.” Oftentimes followed by, “She’s a bitch.”

So is there something we can do to help facilitate a good relationship between the siblings-in law? Yes. Even the most seemingly impossible and improbable relationships can work. They just may require a grand effort.

If you’re the significant other and his sister ignores you or is just outright rude to you, rather than clam up and act bitchy, engage her. Her arrogance will be forced out into the open for all to see, and by all, I mean your boyfriend and his mom. Invite her to do something with you without the mom. When you’re caught in the mother-daughter mix, you will likely feel like a third wheel, so extract her from her mom. And DO NOT criticize her brother to her even if she eggs you on. Anything negative will be stored in the deepest recesses of her mind. She can criticize him. You can’t. At least not in front of her.

If you’re the sister and you really don’t like this girl, you have no choice but to act supportive of the relationship anyway. If your brother truly seems miserable, it’s okay to say with soft, sisterly concern, “Are you okay? You haven’t seemed yourself?” He may think you’re referring to his job. But if he is having any doubts about his relationship, you’ve given him permission to make a change and you haven’t even mentioned her name!

On the other hand, if you don’t like the other woman but your brother seems happy, learn to figure out what he sees in her. And then spend one-on-one time with her, invite her to go for dinner or to a movie without your brother, and most definitely, without his mother.

It’s harder to get a mother-in-law to come around if her daughter doesn’t like you. Not so much the other way around. So work at first on creating a relationship with your sister-in-law (present or future).

And then I hope you, too, find yourself with happy four next Fourth.

Filed under: Daughters-in-Law,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Sisters,Sisters-in-Law,Sons
by Ellie Fisher
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09
Jul
2010

Happy Birthday Herb

Herb spent his 85th birthday on his knees watering flowers and pulling weeds, confronting the unexpected and premature summer heat. The sweat-drenched smile on his face demonstrated he was one happy man – in want of nothing more. But 85 is a milestone and this weekend his family is planning a celebration to honor this energetic and loving man.

I’ll be there with my significant other, and with my children and their significant others because Herb is my step dad, and has been for the past 23 years when he and my mom, both widowed, tied the knot. Because of their union, my sister and I inherited three step siblings and siblings-in-law, and six step nieces and nephews.

Every family event, from weddings to bar mitzvahs to major birthdays, has brought together Mom and Herb’s children and grandchildren who live throughout the United States and France. Amazingly, we all get along.

The first Thanksgiving after my husband died, they all came to my house (the dinner table stretched from the dining room, through the living room and into the foyer) so my kids and I wouldn’t be alone.

When my son broke his arm playing hockey in New Jersey the same night my daughter was rushed to a hospital in Baltimore (where she was a college freshman), I couldn’t be in both places at the same time – though, being a mom, I tried. So my step sister who lives in Maryland went to my daughter’s side.

When my sister’s daughter moved to Boston and didn’t know anyone, our step sister-in-law welcomed her and started a practice of including her in holidays and events.

I know that we step sibs have the distinct advantage of never having had to share a bathroom, or argue about riding shotgun. We were in our twenties and thirties when our parents married, all out of the house and developing families of our own. But still, it matters who sits at the helm.

At ours, sits Herb and Thelma.

Together they make one smart adorable couple who walk every day rain or shine, stopping for coffee and the morning newspaper, read books they’ve borrowed from the library, go to independent films that provoke thought, play golf and bridge, and so much more.

On Saturday when Herb blows out the candles on his cake and we stand around and cheer, I know what we’ll all be thinking.

What are we going to do for his 90th!?

Filed under: Fathers and Daughters,Grandparents,Relationships,Single Fathers,Single Mothers,Sisters,Sisters-in-Law,Step Parents
by Ellie Fisher
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29
Jun
2010

It's All in the Timing

So your mother-in-law interferes in your life with her son. She’s pretty sure you can’t cook as well as she can. Has he lost weight? She’s a little surprised you’re going out drinking with your girlfriends and he’s home caulking the bathroom. I raised such a handyman! She’s absolutely certain that he loves you more than you love him. His father doesn’t put ME on a pedestal.

The problem here is that it isn’t really about what either woman thinks in the early months and years of a relationship, the problem is the timing of these thoughts. The relationship between the two women has a better chance of succeeding if they start out on the same page, at the same time.

Here’s why:

You meet her son and WANT his mom to like you. She wants to like you, too, but needs time to process this new adult son (whom she still loves like a boy). She doesn’t know if she can trust you…yet. She doesn’t know if you are good enough for him…yet. She doesn’t know that you are really trying…yet.

And then when she finally turns a corner and begins to realize you ARE good for her son, the damage is done. You’ve given up trying.

Here’s a tip for mothers-in-law. It may be understandable that you are cautious about trusting and loving this other woman until you are convinced she’s wonderful. But if it takes you months or years to finally accept her and acknowledge that she’s really not so bad, she’s already hurt, angered and discouraged by your earlier rebuffs.

It’s a little like Romeo and Juliet. If only they had communicated before she drank the potion!

Rather than starting out guarded and wary, assume this is a marriage made in heaven. THEN if your daughter-in-law turns out to fulfill your worse fears, you can alter your demeanor.

As years go by, the two women may find a number of reasons that justify their lack of mutual fondness. But poor timing should never be one of them.

*****

P.S. To my faithful readers who comment on my blogs on Facebook, I invite you to comment on the blog site, too!
Filed under: Daughters-in-Law,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Single Mothers,Sisters,Sisters-in-Law,Sons
by Ellie Fisher
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23
Jun
2010

Malcolm in the Middle

I know I always harp on how uncommunicative boys are as they get older, but this personality defect ends up effecting both the wife and the mother.

The other night as I flipped through the channels, I was drawn into a new sitcom, “The Middle.” The mother, played by Patricia Heaton, is running the snack bar at her high school-aged son’s basketball game. A pretty cheerleader named Morgan stops at her table and moons about her boyfriend who’s on the team. With that news, she points to none other than Axel, Heaton’s son. How long have they been going out? Six weeks. “He leaves me love notes daily,” the girl tells a shocked Heaton, who had no idea her son even had a girlfriend.

If you think such a premise is preposterous, then I’m pretty sure you aren’t the mother of a son. Yet.

Heaton goes home and tells her husband about the girl, and says she doesn’t trust her. (Girlfriends can relate to how they have to prove themselves over and over again before being accepted by his mom.) The doorbell rings. It’s Morgan who, being the perfect companion for their son, is carrying a basket of homemade muffins and says something like, “I know you have a ton of questions and I’m here to answer them. But for starters, we don’t have sex.”

Instantly, Heaton’s distrust turns to LOVE.

So what happens next? Most moms could have written the script. The girl breaks up with the son, who is left brokenhearted and, for a brief moment, seeks out his mom for comfort. This hasn’t happened since the days he thought girls were yucky.

The time is fleeting though and Heaton knows it. She also realizes that the next time her son has a girlfriend, she’ll still be the last to know.

Meanwhile Morgan, as the girlfriend, knows that she has to show his mother that she can be as nurturing and loving as she is. Hence, the muffins. But she also knows that the second she breaks off the relationship with the son, even if he’s the reason for the it, Mom will find fault with her.

Imagine what would happen if the boys actually opened up to both women?

Filed under: Daughters-in-Law,Grandparents,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Single Fathers,Single Mothers,Sisters,Sisters-in-Law,Sons
by Ellie Fisher
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14
May
2010
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