Elizabeth Edwards, the Lady

The news of Elizabeth Edwards’ passing is profoundly sad. When most of us were first introduced to her a decade ago, her lifestyle invoked envy; a successful lawyer, a loving mother, the wife of a perpetually-youthful looking and seemingly devoted husband. And as we’ve long ago discovered about First Ladies and potential First Ladies, she was the brilliance behind her man.

We tried to rectify that she had already endured a tragedy – the unspeakable, unthinkable nightmare of every parent – the death of her son. He was only 16. A star. And he died suddenly in a car crash.

We admired her for overcoming the loss, and envied her for her entry onto the political stage. And then her next tragedy arrived with the nuance of a summer thunderstorm, leaving destruction in its wake. It was a diagnosis of breast cancer. And then, as the world knows too well, came the one tragedy that could have been averted. It was her husband’s lying, scandalous behavior – when she was SICK – and it resulted in a child out of wedlock.

Still every time Elizabeth Edwards graced the media, it was with stoic poise and aplomb.

Personally, as a writer, I have always been impressed with the articulateness with which she spoke. I have read excerpts from her book, and have been captivated by the richness of her prose. Most political memoirs, if not ghostwritten, are heavily edited. I believe neither is the case in Edwards’ book. Her impromptu speech had always been so aesthetically laced; I doubt she needed anyone to help her think.

I am always reluctant to give voice to the notion that people are never given more than they can bear. Even though she had endured too much, she never seemed to lose sight of her priorities, which without question, were her children.

We can remember Elizabeth Edwards one of two ways; the woman filled with so much sorrow that appeared weaker and weaker in the waning weeks of her life, or the vibrant, smiling woman we watched hold her husband’s hand on the stage at the Democratic National Convention. For most of us, that was the first time we met her. And for me at least, that’s the way I intend to remember her.

12
Dec
2010

Ode to the Lisas in My Life

There was a time it seemed as though everyone in my life was named some derivative of Susan. My sister, my cousin, my sister-in-law, my agent, and enough girlfriends that each required a further identifying factor such as a surname or a link to their husband, like my friends SusieandArnie or SusanandOri.

In additional to their first names, these women share something else in common: they are all born within 10 years of each other. As I have gotten older, many of my friends have gotten younger, and nary a Susan in the mix. Instead, the name that fills my contact list so often I’ve given up assigning them speed dial numbers, is Lisa

For the sake of conversation, there’s Norwegian Lisa, Little Lisa, CareLisa, LisaOH, K-ELisa, YogaLisa, TallLisa, and so on. When I meet some woman in her forties if I forget her name (which I usually do) I feel pretty confident it’s Lisa.

So why am I seemingly so fixated on these names? I’m fascinated by how they define us. They can give away our approximate age; they can, if not pinpoint our cultural identities, at least eliminate some, and they can even say something about our parents who apparently were kind of hip when they chose a name that was mainstream popular.

Take my mom, for instance. She named me Ellen – a name neither she nor I have ever really used – just so she could in all good conscience nickname me Ellie. Growing up, Ellen was fairly popular with my age group. Don’t get me started on all my old friends named Ellen (love you Brooks) but today Ellen is a rarity. Ellie, however, is used so often that I frequently think I’m being scolded in the mall by a woman who, as it turns out, is trying to control her four-year-old. Who knew my mom was ahead of the curve.

The real reason I think so much about the commonality in our names is because doing so provides a sense of comfort. It feels familiar, recognizable, not very mysterious.

In fact, if I meet a Susan or a Lisa, I kind of feel as though I already know her.

16
Nov
2010

High School Reunions: To Go or Not to Go

Thanksgiving weekend is approaching and along with turkey dinners, family gatherings and football, comes another tradition: high school reunions. I’ve come to the conclusion that if you’re single and looking for love, high school reunions can change a life, or two.

First we have to understand why reunions can create such angst. A reunion is a milestone; one that forces us to involuntarily look backwards. And when we do that we’re faced with an awareness of where we are today. No problem, if we’re content. Huge problem, if we’re not.

When I interviewed men for my second book, “Dating for Dads,” I was surprised how many of them had met “someone” at their reunions. Matter of fact, I have a male friend who is widowed and is currently dating a woman he met at his reunion. (He actually left that night with two phone numbers.)

If you’ve given up on dating sites, matchmaker friends, and the bar scene, you’ll find that meeting someone at a reunion feels safe. For one thing, you already know they aren’t lying about their name, where they grew up, or where they went to college. And, even better, you already know their real age. And they know yours!

So if you’re single and looking, don’t let any insecurities about your personal life, career or your extra 20 pounds dissuade you from attending alone. In fact, you’ll find that the older we get, (especially for all those reunions after 30 years) most of your married classmates will show up without spouses.

If you’re really nervous about going alone, then get reconnected with some of your old friends through Facebook where a lot of foreplay, so to speak, is done before the actual reunion. Come on, some 25 or 40 years later, aren’t you at least a little curious about what happened to your junior prom date?

So when I ask the question about whether you should go or not go to your reunion, what I really mean is, go already. Show that snooty cheerleader how fantastic you are. Besides, perkiness doesn’t transfer very well into middle-age.

30
Oct
2010

English 101

I teach. I teach the dreaded English composition course all college freshman are required to take. I know that every semester I will face business majors, nursing students, art majors, computer programmers and a litany of other students whose course of study appears to have little need for writing.

I feel for them. I really do.

But then I ask them: If you can’t use proper grammar, put together a sentence with correct structure and syntax, use a vocabulary with words larger than the ones required for texting, will you impress a prospective employer? A professor? That cute girl or guy you meet in a bar? (Really, they get THIS). And G-d bless my students, they sit there and listen. I think they hear me. Either that, or they’re silently mocking me as still stuck in the dark ages. You know, the era of the now extinct Thank You Note.

Of course, I beg to differ. I’m a relationship expert and as such, I know that nothing will sink a relationship faster than a poor choice of words. If you tend to limit your vocabulary to four-letter words, (beyond l-o-v-e) well, that ought to do a lot for your marriage. If you shun any form of reading or writing or speaking intelligently because you’re happy to substitute all noise forms with guttural belching, especially when you’re in front of the TV, that will do wonders for your relationship, too. Guaranteed.

Conversely, the man or woman who writes or speaks meaningful, thoughtful and loving prose – especially if it accompanies a shiny object (men and women have different ideas about what a shiny object ought to be) – will earn enough brownie points to sustain his or her relationship at least through a month’s worth of dirty laundry and snoring.

Most likely if you’re reading my blog, you’re not one of my students. (If you are, don’t forget the reading assignment for Friday.) But I hope you, too, will keep on writing. Especially as well-written newspapers continue their vanishing act, and fewer literary works are published by publishers.

In fact, anytime you feel like talking, drop me a line. Or two.

30
Aug
2010

Beach Neighbors

The beaches in Cape May, New Jersey are lined with sky blue tent-like cabanas, each one with a fairly crude piece of wood painted with the renter’s last name. These tents in one form or another have dotted Cape May beaches since Victorian days. I rented one for 30 years until the cost became prohibitive two summers ago. My late husband Charlie and I had viewed our tent neighbors as our summer friends.

In the early days, our neighbors included a beautiful middle-aged widow from Pittsburgh, Mrs. Murrow, who summered in a double-porched Victorian gem. We also met an outgoing Virginian couple – The Lawsons – and another couple – the Reddys, who had two kids a few years older than ours. But as life changes, so did our little tent neighborhood.

I may have brought the first change, returning the summer of 1991 and breaking the stunning news to my neighbors that Charlie had died less than a week after returning home the previous summer. He was 42.

Then a few years later I showed up with a new husband, and a couple years after that, I showed up with no husband.

The Reddys moved their tent to a more secluded location (hopefully having nothing to do with my dating habits). Unfortunately more tent neighbors sprung up around them. Then Mrs. Murrow stopped coming to the beach because her macular degeneration became too debilitating. However, she continues to rent a tent on the diminishing chance her adult grandkids will show up and take her to the beach. They haven’t.

And then there’s Mrs. Lawson. I remember when she and her husband would wave to Charlie and me, and then, when she too became widowed, she and I became next-door neighbors, so to speak.

Although a generation or two older than me, I was always in awe of this striking, Grace Kellyish elderly woman with blonde hair, a perpetual tan, and flamboyant costume jewelry that unfailingly matched her bathing suit. One day we discovered that we had both graduated from Lower Merion High School outside of Philadelphia.

We talked about similar childhood haunts and then she told me she had a surprise that she would bring to the beach the following day. There she was sitting in a chair under her tent, sporting a much shrunken wool sweater emblazoned with the words Lower Merion High School, each letter an individual wool appliqué, and smelling vaguely of mothballs.

Last night I returned home from Cape May, not having seen Mrs. Lawson’s name on a tent all summer. Earlier, I drove by her summer house. A “For Rent” sign stood on the lawn. By my calculations, based on the year she graduated from LM, Mrs. Lawson would be about 85. I hope she’s well.

It’s nice that I still see the Reddys – in the water as they keep watch over their grandchildren. But I miss the old neighborhood.

 

 

23
Aug
2010


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