You’re not going to believe the story I’m about to tell you.
The other night I attended a barbeque and ran into a woman I hadn’t seen in quite some time.
“My son just got engaged,” she told me.
“Congratulations,” I said. “That’s terrific!”
“I guess,” she said. “I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend.”
If you’re the mother of a teenaged or adult son you know that while this may sound unlikely it can’t be dismissed as impossible.
Her son had spent his junior year of college studying abroad. During a vacation from his classes, he traveled throughout Europe and in Italy he met a young woman. He never mentioned her to his parents. When he returned home and resumed school in the States, he continued a relationship with the woman over Skype. Still no mention of her existence.
A year later he told his parents he was going to spend his spring break visiting friends in Europe. Friends plural – with no further identifying features.
Apparently, he saw the young woman and on the final day of his ten day trip, he proposed. Meanwhile, his parents still think he’s hanging out with a bunch of kids. He returns home, goes back to school, neglecting to mention he has a fiancée.
Weeks go by. His parents visit him at school. They spend the day walking around campus and then go out to dinner. Finally, he says, “By the way, I got engaged when I was in Europe and she’s at my apartment right now.” As the news settles in and their shock begins to lessen, they meet her. She’s lovely. They’re fine.
Should he have told them before? Yes. But more importantly, why didn’t his parents ask?
I’m not suggesting we ask for intimate details about a relationship, but we should ask our sons IF they are in a relationship or dating. And if they answer “Yes,” they should fill in some blanks: her name, age, hometown, occupation, appearance. If they want to withhold additional information until, and if, the relationship becomes serious, that is their prerogative.
But to be reluctant to ask our sons for fear of looking like we’re prying, is ridiculous.
When I asked the mom of this boy whether she had ever asked him if he was involved with someone, she felt he was entitled to his privacy.
All I could think of was when I began dating as a single mom. My children had no interest in details about the man, but they did want the basics, especially whether he had children. If I had chosen to keep my dating a secret from my kids – for whatever reason – and then one day announce: “By the way, I met someone and I’m getting married.” – my children would have been devastated.
No way is that fair to my kids.
And no way is that fair to a parent.
