The Groom's Mom – In or Out?

Sometimes I think I may regret my career as a relationship expert, particularly as the author of my latest book, It’s Either Her or Me. I counsel mothers of brides and the brides themselves to include the mother of the groom in the wedding planning.

 I’ve been to too many weddings and bridal showers as the guest of the groom’s family to ignore the potential for a lot of hurt feelings.  Even seemingly minor exclusions can create bad thoughts that tend to sit there, simmering indefinitely like a pot with an endless supply of water.

But I also understand why mothers of brides might feel possessive, not wanting to share their daughter with another woman. I also have a daughter. When she gets married aren’t I going to want to spend time alone with her, helping her select the prettiest gown, the most flattering hair style, and the most breathtaking flowers?

I’ve been with her through every important event in her life; leaving her off at her first day of kindergarten, moving her in and out of dorm rooms and apartments, consoling her when she didn’t make a team, rejoicing with her when she got her first real job. No one shared those ups and downs with me so why do I have to share the happy moments ahead?

Relax. That’s rhetorical. Cause I do.

Including the groom’s mom in as much as she would like to be included matters because this is no longer about just me and my daughter. Marriage is the first life event for our daughters that takes them out of the restricted environment of family. It’s meant to be shared with another family. And it’s the first of many future life events (think grandchildren) that are.

I hope that one day when I become the mother of the bride that I will practice what I write. I know it will take effort and compromise and a thick skin. But I also believe it will be the right thing to do.

As you know, I also have a son.

Filed under: Daughters,Daughters-in-Law,Events,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Single Mothers,Sons
by Ellie Fisher
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27
Jun
2011

Mom or Wife at HIS Life Events

 Here I am all know-it-all and confident teaching a workshop on nonfiction writing at the Philadelphia Writers’ Conference. I’m there as a teacher, an author, and a relationship expert. By now, I think I’ve heard or been asked everything having to do with moms and daughters-in-law.  Then one of the attendees stumps me.

A psychologist who writes about military spouses, she asked me as the author of It’s Either Her or Me to weigh in on the way many military wives feel when their husbands return home from a tour and Mom is waiting with open arms.

I did an unscientific survey of a number of female friends today – all moms and all with sons. Some said of course the mother goes first enveloping the returned, much-missed son she raised.  Others said the wife. She’s his partner for life. She deserves the attention. The mom can wait.

Ooh. Ouch. I see both sides. And I’m in the process of formulating an intelligent response worthy of a RELATIONSHIP EXPERT. But in the meantime, it makes me think of how I handled my son’s graduation from graduate school last weekend. Clearly not the same thing as a son coming home from a dangerous war zone, but I was there with a lot of family and his significant other.

Me, his mom, jumped up to take his picture as they were lining up along Brown’s hilly campus in preparation for their procession. Me, his mom, rushed up to the front to take his picture as he was handed his diploma, defiantly ignoring the security guard who told me to return to my seat.

Me, ordering a special cake from a special bakery so we could surprise him at dinner.  Me, not sleeping, when I saw the size of the moving van he was using to empty his apartment in Providence and move to Washington, D.C.  And would be driving by himself.

How could I tell this writer in my workshop that the mom needs to make room for the significant other when I recalled my own actions last weekend?  And then I thought about it.

I wasn’t alone filming the procession. I was standing with his girlfriend. (And my mother, for that fact, since no one, but no one, is going to tell my 80-something mom to sit down). I wasn’t alone moving him out of his apartment. I was with his girlfriend (and some stronger folks than us, fortunately). I wasn’t alone picking up the cake. I was with his girlfriend who discovered the bakery and excitedly told me about it.

Throughout the graduation weekend, I was with my son. And I was with his girlfriend. It was perfect.

Hmmm. I believe I might know how to handle the situation involving military wives and mothers. Look for the answer in a future blog. And, as always, let me know what you think.

Filed under: Daughters-in-Law,Events,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Single Mothers,Sons
by Ellie Fisher
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07
Jun
2011

And Here Comes the Bride!

So you’re planning a wedding this season. Got your commemorative plates all set to go? The ones with the hand-painted portrait of the bride and groom? Has that million-dollar diamond-encrusted tiara been polished to a shine? Is your carriage all gassed up and ready to roll? (At $5 a gallon I’d recommend your driver moves r e a l slow.)

And how prepared are your flower girls and ring bearer? No concerns whatsoever that your little nephew will walk down the aisle fixing his wedgie, or that your adorable 11-year-old niece won’t clumsily handle the basket of rose petals? She is approaching that awkward stage. No, of course not, they will be the pinnacle of proper etiquette and refinement.

And if none of the above mirrors your plans, no worries. It’s not as though there is a wedding that the world is watching and your guests – although certainly without expectations – will involuntarily compare to yours. Okay, there is.

Pardon my presumptuousness, but I doubt your wedding will even remotely match up to that of Prince William and Kate Middleton. So don’t even go there. It’s too tempting to copy some of their regality – costly, regality. Even Macy’s is advertising a ring that just happens to be a sapphire surrounded by diamonds. The ad makes no mention of what the ring is intended to copy. Then again, a picture is worth a thousand words.

This is your (or your son’s or daughter’s) big day, a day that reflects on whom you are. If you want a black tie affair with carved ice sculptures and a 12-piece orchestra (and someone’s paying for it) then that’s your wish. If you’re more into the Sunday afternoon outdoor wedding along a bustling creek with a buffet lunch and a bridal party in short cocktail dresses, (hmm, which sounds very appealing) then go for that.

And if you had planned months and months ago to have a golden carriage pick you up and drive you to the cathedral, then clearly you had the idea first. So don’t change a thing.

If you have a wedding approaching – and I know you must since even I’m invited to four of them this summer – do what feels best to you, what fits your personality. And please accept my congratulations.

BTW, I kind of like the idea that Kate’s engagement ring isn’t a diamond. Although what’s a diamond engagement ring when you have access to the crown jewels?

Filed under: Daughters,Daughters-in-Law,Events,Fathers and Daughters,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Sisters-in-Law
by Ellie Fisher
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25
Apr
2011

Anyone Want to be on Television!?!?!?

I’m repeating this blog in case you missed it. I’ve already heard from several folks who either live in California or whose families do, but WEtv is still looking for more people for their show.

Anyone want to be on television?! And, more importantly, receive free counseling.

WEtv is launching a new program in southern California that is designed to help families who are struggling with difficult issues, such as those involving blended families, in-laws, parent/teenagers, eating disorders, bullying, unemployment, divorce, remarriage etc.

The casting director is looking for any nuclear families (children 10 or older) that would be interested in free counseling by Dr. Tara Fields, of Oprah, CNN, Dr. Phil fame. She would interview the family in their own home or in her office over the course of a week. The network would then provide additional counseling for six weeks. They realize the seven weeks in total won’t solve problems but they are hopeful it will help families have a breakthrough.

The interviews will be taped and then will air on WEtv. There is no studio audience. If you live in southern California (which I’m envious given the winter we’re having!) or if you know someone who does, and you or they would be interested in being on this show, please let me know. Families who appear will receive a $2,000 honorarium in addition to the free therapy.

Email me at ellie@ellieslottfisher.com. If you’d like, I can put you in touch with the casting director.

Filed under: Daughters-in-Law,Grandparents,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Single Fathers,Single Mothers,Sisters,Sisters-in-Law,Sons,Step Parents
by Ellie Fisher
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11
Feb
2011

A Taciturn Mother-in-Law Equals a Happy Grandparent

I just got off the phone with a woman I interviewed for It’s Either Her or Me. At the time of the interview, she hadn’t seen her grandchildren in more than two years. After years of hurtful exchanges between her and her daughter-in-law, she was effectively cut out of her grandchildren’s lives. Guess where she’s heading next weekend?

She’s flying north to New England to spend a long weekend with her son, his wife, and her two grandchildren. So what changed?

“I apologized. I apologized for everything. Even things I didn’t do,” she tells me with an ironic laugh. “It’s been great. I’ve been in touch with my family and my grandkids and now I’m spending the weekend with them.”

How difficult was it for this mom – let’s call her Jill – to apologize for some missteps and misunderstandings? “I thought it would be hard to do but it really wasn’t, and I’m certainly happy with the outcome.”

Flashback to when her daughter-in-law was pregnant. Jill couldn’t resist criticizing her for quitting her job long before her due date. That put so much pressure on my son! If it did, then that was up to the couple to decide. And then came the birth of the baby and Jill mustered up her inner Dr. Spock and freely offered parenting advice. So what’s wrong with that? New moms don’t want advice unless they ask for it. A lot of what we do as new moms is instinctive, anyway. We don’t want to hear what may have been the popular thinking 30 years earlier. Gad, we’d still be washing diapers!

When Jill says she apologized for “everything” even though, between you and me and her, she didn’t really think she had done anything so egregious, she learned a valuable lesson. New moms may be novices but they’re well-informed; they may be sleep-deprived but they’re euphoric; they may be emotionally fraught but they’re madly in love with their new baby. The last thing they want to hear from another person – ESPECIALLY the mother –in-law – is that they are bad moms. Although a mother-in-law offers advice out of love for her grandchild, such un-asked-for advice is usually viewed as critique.

Even if you’re the mother-in-law who feels you haven’t done anything to warrant the cold shoulder, consider the effect of swallowing your pride, doing a couple mea culpas, and reaching out.

Look what’s waiting for you on the other end.

Filed under: Daughters-in-Law,Mothers-in-Law,Relationships,Sons
by Ellie Fisher
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06
Feb
2011
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