Ellie Slott Fisher

I’m often asked what prompted me to write on the topic of mothers of boys and their significant others. People often assume it had something to do with my feelings toward my son’s girlfriends or toward my own mother-in-law. But actually, it had little to do with me. And everything to do with my daughter.

I have been a single mom since my daughter was nine and my son was five and my husband, Charlie, died suddenly. Despite those young years of my kids acting like typical siblings and squabbling over the inequalities of bedtime or reprimands, they ultimately became very close. I like to take some credit for this, though I think it is more likely happenstance than parenting skills that made them appreciate they were all each other had. I figured the peace would be everlasting.

And then I experienced the effect of a stranger bursting into our family. It could be a man I’m dating, or someone my kids are. If it’s me, my kids become a unified force, simultaneously rolling their eyes and gaining solace knowing they both think that Mom has lost it. If my daughter brings home the stranger, my son doesn’t think any deeper than “Now I have company to watch sports,” and that he has a reprieve from my asking him to get off the couch. He assumes correctly. I don’t want to make my daughter’s boyfriend think that HE has to get up to help, too. Most important, this guy doesn’t affect my son’s relationship with his sister.

But my son’s choices? That is different. If his sister doesn’t like his girlfriend then I can kiss family vacations and get togethers goodbye. While my daughter isn’t leaving the family regardless of what we think of her boyfriend, my son will easily spend more time with his girlfriend’s family and less time with his own if he thinks she isn’t welcomed. And since the communication skills of males gradually lessen as they age, a mom could be devastated if some woman keeps her son at bay just because his sister doesn’t like her.

So when I write about “It’s Either Her or Me,” I am as much referring to the guy’s sister, as I am to his mom and significant other. Is this an issue in your family? At least – for what it’s worth – know you’re not alone.

The book is being shipped to bookstores now for sale on March 23. I just received my copy and it looks great! Thank you to Bantam and cover designer Victoria Allen for the coolest front cover ever! I also want to thank my editor, Kerri Buckley, who took over the book too late to be mentioned in the acknowledgements. She IS so, so wonderful. And to Katie Rudkin, my publicist on the new book (as well as for Dating for Dads) and her colleague, Leah Johanson, who also came on board too late to get officially recognized. I’m very fortunate to have them.

Here’s what to look for in the next two weeks:  

March 23 – Book goes on sale. Appearance on CBS The Early Show

March 28 –  Book Launch at Borders in Langhorne, PA 1 p.m.

March 29 – NBC (WCAU) The 10! Show

Aprl 1 – New York Book Party

 A friend of mine celebrated her 40^th birthday by inviting a bunch of her friends and her mother-in-law out to dinner. She opened one great gift after another until she got to her mother-in-law’s present. It was a size small sweater embroidered with a cutesy saying, “Tennis is my racket.” My friend is neither a size small, nor does she play tennis.

Just like mothers-in-law find they sometimes have to bite their tongues. So do daughters-in-law. My girlfriend mustered up her inner Renee Zellweger and said thank you.

Gift giving, when it involves the women in a guy’s life, is inherently problematic. First of all, at what point in a couple’s relationship is the mother of the guy, or his significant other, required to give a gift to the other woman? And what sort of gift? And if the gift is really thoughtless, are you still obligated to say thank you?

I know. I know. It’s hard to be appreciative when someone has either been pretty inconsiderate or just plain cheap. But this is one of those areas that when it involves “the other woman” etiquette trumps honesty.

I met my mother-in-law when I was nineteen. At that point in my life I wore clothes from the Junior departments. As I became her daughter-in-law, and certainly when I entered my 30s and 40s, I had long moved into Designer Misses departments. Still, every birthday and Christmas, I accepted her size five gift with pleasure, and made plans to return it for something more fitting. I’m pretty sure she never knew this.

Have you found yourself in this situation where either your gift wasn’t received very well, or you received a gift that was inappropriate? Or worse, did your husband give his mom a gift and leave your name off the card? What did you do to let your feelings be known? Or are you still grinning and bearing it?

I’d love to hear from you before the next holiday or birthday!

The thing about sons is that they speak several languages. There’s the polite but efficient speech suitable for school or work. There’s the abbreviated, less-is-best talk reserved for the general public. There’s the edgy, cool communication reserved for contemporaries. And then there’s Momspeak. Boys/men break into Momspeak only when corresponding with their mothers.

Momspeak has some unique traits: It has a minimalist vocabulary; it is usually only activated by questions from Mom, and it requires its recipient to read between the lines. Momspeak usually coincides with a son’s entering puberty, which not coincidentally, coincides with his discovery of girls. The language of a previously chatty son devolves into a series of grunts, and “nahs” and “goods.”

Now, when a mom really wants to find out what’s going on in her son’s life – especially his love life – she finds him selfishly guarding his words, offering as little as possible. Why? Because he knows that one statement, one SIMPLE statement like “I’m going to see Leap Year with some friends” will lead to a barrage of questions from Mom. “Huh? A romantic comedy? Isn’t The Hangover more like it?”

There are tricks to find out the required information so long as you are respectful and are willing to settle for one bite at a time. Ask one question. “Oh, so you must be going with boys and girls. Is that girl in your class one of them?” If you get a yes, resist the temptation to ask more, and instead say, “Have fun.” AFTER he comes home from the movies, you may be able to ask a couple more.

I realize there are some mothers who never go through this, but I have found them few and far between. Most moms know exactly what I mean by Momspeak. Do you? And how do you handle your reticent son – whether he’s 14 or 40?