I’m packed, prepped and ready to go to New York when I finish teaching today. But now it appears that my appearance on CBS’s The Early Show may have to be rescheduled for another day this week. They are having a helluva time coming up with a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law willing to talk honestly about their relationship. No surprise there. This is a tough, on-going relationship and no woman wants to jeopardize whatever peace she might have. So as of now, my March 23 appearance may be rescheduled. Nothing definitive as of yet, but you know what I know.
Loose Lips Sink Relationships
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve received emails from dozens of women saying that even if they have a pretty good relationship with their son’s wife or their husband’s mother, they still have unresolved “issues.” This feeling is so even sided, that when women write to me about HER, I have no idea whether they are talking about their mother-in-law or their daughter-in-law.
And both would be mortified if the other one knew they had contacted me.
As a journalist, I interview men and women who are relevant to my topic. I love anecdotes, so much so that when I was in labor I made my husband tell me stories rather than tell me to breathe. In writing self-help books, I believe that hearing someone else’s story allows us to connect. And I always appreciate how forthcoming the interviewees are.
The difference between the subjects in my first two books, which were on single parents and dating, and those in It’s Either Her or Me, is that the former ones are perfectly fine being thanked in the acknowledgements. (I change their identities elsewhere in the books). This time around, very few of the women – moms or daughters-in-law – agreed to be acknowledged.
What’s different is that now I am writing about ongoing relationships. I could comfortably write about the bad dates I had had in Mom, There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe, because I KNEW those relationships were over. But I think differently when I consider writing about the significant others my son has had. Even ones from the past could at some point return in the future. I’m not going to risk saying or doing anything to forever destroy that relationship.
Most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law get this. They can’t openly and uninhibitedly complain about each other and expect peace in the family.
So if you choose to tell us about your daughter-in-law or mother-in-law, I promise I won’t reveal your identity!
17
Mar
2010
Mar
2010
Gearing up for the release of It's Either HER or ME
The book is being shipped to bookstores now for sale on March 23. I just received my copy and it looks great! Thank you to Bantam and cover designer Victoria Allen for the coolest front cover ever! I also want to thank my editor, Kerri Buckley, who took over the book too late to be mentioned in the acknowledgements. She IS so, so wonderful. And to Katie Rudkin, my publicist on the new book (as well as for Dating for Dads) and her colleague, Leah Johanson, who also came on board too late to get officially recognized. I’m very fortunate to have them.
Here’s what to look for in the next two weeks:
March 23 – Book goes on sale. Appearance on CBS The Early Show
March 28 – Book Launch at Borders in Langhorne, PA 1 p.m.
March 29 – NBC (WCAU) The 10! Show
Aprl 1 – New York Book Party
15
Mar
2010
Mar
2010
Looking the Gift Horse in the Mouth
A friend of mine celebrated her 40th birthday by inviting a bunch of her friends and her mother-in-law out to dinner. She opened one great gift after another until she got to her mother-in-law’s present. It was a size small sweater embroidered with a cutesy saying, “Tennis is my racket.” My friend is neither a size small, nor does she play tennis.
Just like mothers-in-law find they sometimes have to bite their tongues. So do daughters-in-law. My girlfriend mustered up her inner Renee Zellweger and said thank you.
Gift giving, when it involves the women in a guy’s life, is inherently problematic. First of all, at what point in a couple’s relationship is the mother of the guy, or his significant other, required to give a gift to the other woman? And what sort of gift? And if the gift is really thoughtless, are you still obligated to say thank you?
I know. I know. It’s hard to be appreciative when someone has either been pretty inconsiderate or just plain cheap. But this is one of those areas that when it involves “the other woman” etiquette trumps honesty.
I met my mother-in-law when I was nineteen. At that point in my life I wore clothes from the Junior departments. As I became her daughter-in-law, and certainly when I entered my 30s and 40s, I had long moved into Designer Misses departments. Still, every birthday and Christmas, I accepted her size five gift with pleasure, and made plans to return it for something more fitting. I’m pretty sure she never knew this.
Have you found yourself in this situation where either your gift wasn’t received very well, or you received a gift that was inappropriate? Or worse, did your husband give his mom a gift and leave your name off the card? What did you do to let your feelings be known? Or are you still grinning and bearing it?
I’d love to hear from you before the next holiday or birthday!
09
Mar
2010
Mar
2010
Momspeak: The Language of Sons
The thing about sons is that they speak several languages. There’s the polite but efficient speech suitable for school or work. There’s the abbreviated, less-is-best talk reserved for the general public. There’s the edgy, cool communication reserved for contemporaries. And then there’s Momspeak. Boys/men break into Momspeak only when corresponding with their mothers.
Momspeak has some unique traits: It has a minimalist vocabulary; it is usually only activated by questions from Mom, and it requires its recipient to read between the lines. Momspeak usually coincides with a son’s entering puberty, which not coincidentally, coincides with his discovery of girls. The language of a previously chatty son devolves into a series of grunts, and “nahs” and “goods.”
Now, when a mom really wants to find out what’s going on in her son’s life – especially his love life – she finds him selfishly guarding his words, offering as little as possible. Why? Because he knows that one statement, one SIMPLE statement like “I’m going to see Leap Year with some friends” will lead to a barrage of questions from Mom. “Huh? A romantic comedy? Isn’t The Hangover more like it?”
There are tricks to find out the required information so long as you are respectful and are willing to settle for one bite at a time. Ask one question. “Oh, so you must be going with boys and girls. Is that girl in your class one of them?” If you get a yes, resist the temptation to ask more, and instead say, “Have fun.” AFTER he comes home from the movies, you may be able to ask a couple more.
I realize there are some mothers who never go through this, but I have found them few and far between. Most moms know exactly what I mean by Momspeak. Do you? And how do you handle your reticent son – whether he’s 14 or 40?
03
Mar
2010
Mar
2010
