One of the most frequent complaints I hear from daughters-in-law is not about how their mother-in-law treats them, but how she treats their husband – The Son.
“She has him stop by so he can get a home-cooked meal and she’ll even do his laundry sometimes. I work fulltime – we both do. But her doing this for him somehow makes me feel inadequate,” one woman writes.
What’s wrong with this picture? Actually what isn’t? Despite the son now being an adult and married, the relationship between Mother and Son has remained unchanged. And therein lies lots and lots of potential problems.
First of all, the responsibility for housecleaning should be a joint decision if not joint effort on the part of the couple. Second, Mom must know that her actions – though born out of love – will undermine the couple’s relationship. And hopefully no mother wants that. Right, Mom? And third, the son/husband knows that he has it made so he’s not about to rock the boat. That is, until someone threatens to jump ship.
I grew up with one sister and so I never understood a mother’s unique relationship with a son. A friend of mine had a very different experience. She was one of six – five girls and one boy. Here’s what she told me when my son was born: “My mother loved all her kids but when my brother entered the room, her face lit up.”
I get it. I know that mothers (me, too) can put their sons on pedestals (and fathers do the same for their little girls). But once those offspring enter a serious relationship, we’ve got to soften our grip and allow them to mature.
