I’m often asked what prompted me to write on the topic of mothers of boys and their significant others. People often assume it had something to do with my feelings toward my son’s girlfriends or toward my own mother-in-law. But actually, it had little to do with me. And everything to do with my daughter.
I have been a single mom since my daughter was nine and my son was five and my husband, Charlie, died suddenly. Despite those young years of my kids acting like typical siblings and squabbling over the inequalities of bedtime or reprimands, they ultimately became very close. I like to take some credit for this, though I think it is more likely happenstance than parenting skills that made them appreciate they were all each other had. I figured the peace would be everlasting.
And then I experienced the effect of a stranger bursting into our family. It could be a man I’m dating, or someone my kids are. If it’s me, my kids become a unified force, simultaneously rolling their eyes and gaining solace knowing they both think that Mom has lost it. If my daughter brings home the stranger, my son doesn’t think any deeper than “Now I have company to watch sports,” and that he has a reprieve from my asking him to get off the couch. He assumes correctly. I don’t want to make my daughter’s boyfriend think that HE has to get up to help, too. Most important, this guy doesn’t affect my son’s relationship with his sister.
But my son’s choices? That is different. If his sister doesn’t like his girlfriend then I can kiss family vacations and get togethers goodbye. While my daughter isn’t leaving the family regardless of what we think of her boyfriend, my son will easily spend more time with his girlfriend’s family and less time with his own if he thinks she isn’t welcomed. And since the communication skills of males gradually lessen as they age, a mom could be devastated if some woman keeps her son at bay just because his sister doesn’t like her.
So when I write about “It’s Either Her or Me,” I am as much referring to the guy’s sister, as I am to his mom and significant other. Is this an issue in your family? At least – for what it’s worth – know you’re not alone.
